uniqueness-template

So it’s finally the last day of 2002, and all I can say is: THANK GOD!

I should be thinking about my future, but, at this point, I have a hard time just thinking about tomorrow.

Right now, the smell of pine reminded me of when my Dad was building the shed in his back yard. It was the first of many “projects” he would accomplish at his home. That house and everything surrounding it were his pride and joy, and I was lucky enough to share that with him.

Again, my mind is on the past.

And now some words I wrote this past summer, but never posted here:

“When you left, one of the last two candles went out. I ended up extinguishing the final flame.”

How does one attain self-confidence if said person has never known what it is or what it is supposed to be like?

It is said that, for the lonely, New Year’s Eve is the loneliest day of the year. God, I hope not… I’m not sure I could handle it.

On a less depressing note, I have fairly decent aim with a blow-dart gun (one of my brother’s Christmas gifts)… I can pierce a soda can from 12 feet away.

Some people are afraid to be alone. I am not one of those people. I know what it’s like to be alone, and it has nothing to do with being in the presence of other people. What I am afraid of is not being able to share a sunset. What I’m afraid of is the possibility that I may never find someone where we can just sit and hold each other in silence and know what the other is thinking. What I’m afraid of is finding this person only to discover that she could never feel the same way back. They say you can’t help who fall in love with. They also say you can’t get through life without getting hurt.

Why?

(And who is this “they” that seem to make life so difficult? They should get together and revise the rules…)

Okay… so maybe things aren’t as bad as I’ve made them out to be.

“There’s no life like low-life”.

Am I alone in this world?

It seems that other than alcohol, music is my only refuge. And everybody I know dislikes my kind of music–or at least doesn’t even know it exists.

I fucking hate hip-hop. I fucking hate modern rap.

I just wish I could find people to which I can relate.

I am so god damned lonely it’s not even funny.

Why can’t I pursue the things that I desire?

People suck. In general, they will take advantage of any situation. The difficult thing for me to realize is that I never will.

Okay, I am a fucking pussy. No matter what I do, I can never change that. I wish I could be the confident man who knows what he wants… but I will never be that person.

God damn it to hell!!!

My only escape is alcohol. And even then nobody wants to “take advantage of me”. I wish I were desirable. As I sit here, half-wasted, I see no point to my life. I really wish I were dead.

Maybe it’s the alocohol talking (and it probably is)… but I want things I can never have–or things I shouldn’t want. But who gives a fuck? I surely don’t.

I wish I had the balls to go after the things that are forbidden.

Actually, tonight, I almost did… but I could tell that the feelings weren’t reciprocated. Or maybe that’s my cowardice showing its face again. All I can say is:

FUCK!!!!

I am partying way too much for my own good. The night before last, I did some things I probably shouldn’t have–and wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been intoxicated. Oh well, you only live once and you can’t change the past, so why worry about it?

I really want to say that I am done with partying, but I’m not. I’m (relatively) young, I’m single, and the only reponsibilities I have are my job, my car, and my apartment. The one thing that I do want to cut back on is the quantity of alcohol I consume. I know this is a bad thing, but I use alcohol to help me be the person I want to be. I’m always up in my head and over-analyzing any given situaion; I am full of inhibitions. However, get three beers in me, and all of that starts to go by the wayside.

Maybe I need to be on medication or something.